Jokes clean enough for "Off the Hook"

[wiley]

HA!

[Kamper]

Even though Ezekial was proud to have his work effort praised by his employer, Karavan Kandi Worx, he never felt comfortable wearing his "Fudge Packer of the Month!" T-shirt.

[levittownnick]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Menzies]

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

[240 LTS]

The First Time

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or

so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the

pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman

Assistant behind the counter, and she could see

that I was new at it. She handed me the package

and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I answered honestly "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and

slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to

make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently

still looked confused. So, she looked all around

the store to see if it were empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door,

and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the

back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

"Do these excite you?" She asked. Well, I was so

dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much

time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that

unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and

KAPOW. I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you

put that condom on?" She asked.

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to

show her.

She beat the shit out of me...

[240 LTS]

Not sure if this is a "Story" or the Truth.

Sent to me in an email.

--------------------------------------------------------

Best Come Back Line Ever

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

[240 LTS]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

[240 LTS]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....

.

[Sans Peur]

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor. We're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "...plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Cracker Larry]

Cajun Sex

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age.

After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed

During sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem,

They went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Pierre Part. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow with a big towel that was having any difficulty breeding.

This would cool her down and make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Houma to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed!

They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, 'And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!'