Jokes clean enough for "Off the Hook"

[Rusty]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's ###### from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

[240 LTS]

Sometimes your the bug, sometimes your the windshield.

[Kamper]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said “I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.” The man agreed, and said “I wish I had a mansion.” The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said “I would like a million dollars.” The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, “Scare me half to death.”

[240 LTS]

[240 LTS]

The Irish are so logical

.

]

The Irish Millionaire

.

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on

'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'

and towards the end of the program

had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far,"

said Chris Tarrant,

the show's presenter,

"but for a million pounds

you've only got one life-line left

phone a friend..

Everything is riding on this question.....

will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"

Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......

It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night,

Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink..

"Tell me, Paddy?

How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

[crash1371]

Cool

[Sunbury]

A Panda goes into a bar.

He sits down orders a meal and a drink.

The waiter brings him his meal.

20 minutes later the waiter comes back and pick up the empty plate.

As the waiter walks away the Panda pulls out a gun and shoots him in the back.

The Panda starts to leave and the bartender shouts to him,

"Hey buddy you just shot my waiter. Where do you think you're going?"

The Panda turns and replies, "I'm a Panda."

Then nodding to the dictionary the bartender kept to settle arguments the Panda says,

"Look it up", as he walked out the door.

The bartender dumbfounded by what just happened grabs the dictionary.

He finds PANDA -

A black and white Asian bear that eats shoots and leaves.

Edited June 18, 2010 by Sunbury

[240 LTS]

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[240 LTS]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

+

Tourist: $5.00

+

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+

Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Grilled Republican: $18.00

+

Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a high price for the Baked Democrat?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of shit, it takes all day!"

[Pearl Diver]

I like 240's best so far.