Jokes clean enough for "Off the Hook"

[Joe Mc 44]

A penguin walks in to a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my cousin?" Bartender replies "What does he look like?"

[Cracker Larry]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse

full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to

the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an

employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed

her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and

asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman

replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you

$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win

a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would

you like to take my bet?'

Certainly, replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not

square.

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if

you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my

lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long

time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and

that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could

consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that

there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the

president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day

before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day

before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and

her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if

she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of

money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed

that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly

woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet

him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls

of the President of the RoyalBank of Canada!'

[Cracker Larry]

OK, how about a Christmas story?

Christmas With Louise:

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.

She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

[wiley]

Good stuff!

[wiley]

[will00B]

Is this the emoticon if you're having fun?

[wiley]

If it works for you, yes. HA!

[240 LTS]

Looks like too much coffee.

.