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Jokes clean enough for "Off the Hook"


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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this, he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'

So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

Edited by 240 LTS
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The Fishing Trip

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming

fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this

time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name

calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up

camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the

campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a

camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my

chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing.

Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful

see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me

to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!"

..

Edited by 240 LTS
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Just had to share this in more than one place:

Know the difference-

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you

really know what the difference is between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed

below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your

wife on the butt and saying 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion you might have had.

Edited by 240 LTS
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a

recent party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest

room. The three who remained talked about their kids and their success.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a

successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics

and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate

ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich

that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and

joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to

become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where

he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best

friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best

universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own

construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away

something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:

A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned

from the restroom who asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the

successes of our sons. What about your son?' The fourth man replied:

'My son is gay and makes a decent living dancing as a stripper at a

local nightclub.' The three friends said: 'That a shame, you must be very

disappointed.

'The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed nor am I disappointed. In fact

I am very proud of him. After all, He's my son and I love him with all of my heart

and he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he

received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top

of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

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Paddy was working out back with his chainsaw when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put em back on and made you like new!'

'Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Edited by Menzies
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,

perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for a##l sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Edited by Menzies
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